Recently a Reddit user asked couples of the community: "Under what circumstances would you stay in a sexless marriage?" A lot of people chimed-in with their personal stories, and they were very eye-opening. They gave insight into what a sexless relationship is like, and how it's affected them.
So, here are some honest stories straight from couples who've had sexless relationships:
1. "My partner was born with a medical condition that's cut his lifespan in half. In the end he will most likely have a ton of health problems, and sex may not be in the equation for whatever reason. He is my best friend, and I will love him and care for him until the end (and then past the end). I don’t care if I have to change his diaper and wipe his ass, and I don’t care if dementia comes for him — I’ll be there holding his hand."
2. "I’ve spent years in a sometimes sexless marriage for many reasons. Now, my libido has lowered and my penis never gets fully hard (unless I have to piss at 4:00 a.m.). But, our marriage still has (and has always had) mutual respect, love, and intimacy. Sex is super important for some people, and less so for others — variety makes the world go 'round."
3. "My marriage was sexless because my ex-wife was so involved in the Baltimore BDSM community (a city that was 90-120 minutes away from where we lived) that she no longer had the time, energy, or interest in fucking me. BDSM was the shiny new toy. To her, it wasn't entirely sexual — but to me, it was intimate. I wasn't into it, and no amount of compromise or meeting halfway in the bedroom was enough for her to feel like I was genuinely into her new thing. So, I became the component to be jettisoned. She would spend hours and whole evenings away from home doing non-sexual but intimate activities with BDSM partners while I got to sit at home alone wondering: 'How'd I manage to get this unlucky?'"
4. "My wife and I do not have sex regularly, but that's my fucking #1 homie. If I divorced her, I'd lose my best friend — that shit ain't worth it. Pornhub is free, but 15 years of friendship, inside jokes, memories, laughs, and someone to watch shitty horror movies with me is priceless."
5. "I wouldn’t say we are totally sexless, but quite close. It’s 2023, and my boyfriend and I of 10 years have had sex only a handful of times this year (once). We aren’t unhappy by any means — we have three kids, work totally opposite shifts, but we make it work. We never have privacy — our kids will bang at the door if we have it locked, and it’s a turn-off hearing kids screaming at your door. We don’t have anyone to watch our kids. We still spend a lot of time together, go out after work on the weekends to eat and go to events. Do we wish we had a lot more sex? Of course. We’re just patiently waiting until the kids aren’t assholes to be able to have sex on a regular basis 😞😔."
"I think when people view sexless marriages with horror, they’re forgetting that if you intend to be married forever, it’s a long time. People get sick, work schedules get bad, kids exhaust you, and hormones are a goddamn bitch (fucking perimenopause).
You have to make sure you communicate enough so one person isn’t just feeling totally abandoned. But when it’s something like mutual exhaustion, sometimes it just happens, and it really can just be a phase."
6. "I'm still in a sexless relationship, and I really don't know what to do. It's been almost three years for me, and it started the day she fell and broke her back. She's had a couple of operations, and they have not helped her at all. She has lost all interest in any kind of intimacy, and I really can't blame her — but when does it become about me? This isn't even close to how I planned on spending the rest of my life. I do love her, and don't see myself leaving for now — I just can't do that to her. What I miss the most is feeling the warmth of someone when you are wrapped up together."
7. "If my partner was incapable of performing sexually, I would absolutely stay — he is my everything. We are partners, best friends, and lovers. Sex is only one part of the equation, and the other parts more than make up for it. We have had issues over the years on both sides, so when I say we wouldn't leave each other, we know we wouldn't. Just because one partner can’t perform, it doesn’t mean the other loses their sexuality completely — you can self-perform, so to speak. You can still have intimacy. There are still a lot of things that can be done. If two people aren't having 'traditional sex' with each other, it doesn't have to be a game-changer. It helps if you communicate with your partner (source: Been married for 30 years)."
8. "I've been with my husband for 15 years, with sex petering out to almost nothing a few years ago. I've always had a low libido, so it's not like a cornerstone of my life is missing. But, we've been through hell and back together. He's my best friend, and has stayed with me through my worst mental health breaks without wavering (and I've kept him from drowning in his depression). We love and support each other, and that's more important than occasionally boinking."
9. "My partner and I have three children. They're all autistic, and we have to go through a lot to get them the proper support in their education. This couldn't be done if we weren't together. We both love each other, but we just never have sex. My libido is much higher, and I do find it difficult at times — but for our children, we have to remain a team (because the system doesn't work, and no one else will fight for them if we didn't). So, even though our relationship has been through tough times as of late, we still soldier on for our kids. I have no idea what will happen on the other side, but that's for another time."
10. "My wife was disabled for over four years, and I stayed with her. My marriage wasn't based on sex — it was enhanced by it. If she would have lived longer, nothing would have changed. I still love and miss her every day."
11. "I've been in a sexless relationship for more than 20 years. I've stayed because I love her more than anything, but it's destroyed me and done permanent damage to our relationship. It wasn't a medical issue — it was her needing to be a 'good wife and mother,' according to the mores of her teenage church. It destroyed my self-esteem, and my ability to enjoy sex. She resolved her 'issues' eventually, but I can't undo the damage — so now we're sexless because she wants it, but I've burned it out of myself. We still love each other, but we're more like best friends and roommates than lovers."
12. "My marriage is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My husband is the greatest person I have ever met, and hanging out with him is literally what I live for. If he suddenly decided he never wanted to have sex again, I would definitely stay. He is my penguin, my partner, and life without him would be unbearable."
13. "I'm in one now — it's fairly rare [that we have sex], and I can count on one hand how many times she's initiated it. I've asked her so many times to talk to a doctor or counselor because it affects us. She's just not interested in any sexual pleasure (including self-pleasure). It's a burden that I carry, considering physical touch and intimacy makes me feel loved. I stay because I made a vow and a promise — I just pray daily that her thoughts will change, and she will talk to someone."
14. And: "My wife had cancer at a young age, and the medications that were forced on her resulted in early menopause. It inhibited hormone production and all, but ended her sex drive. So, the last six years of her life were sexless. And of course I never even pushed the subject (especially in the beginning when we tried it because it caused her a lot of pain). I stayed with her because I loved her, and she needed somebody who truly cared and loved her. That's the circumstance I stayed in a sexless marriage."
Note: Some stories have been edited for length and/or clarity.