Recently, Reddit user u/Callie-Skye asked the Reddit community: "What are your thoughts on open relationships?" Well, a lot of folks who've been in open relationships themselves chimed in, and revealed some pretty disheartening experiences.
So, here are some negative experiences straight from people who've been in open/polyamorous relationships:
1. "After our second child was born, my ex-husband pitched to me what it would mean to have an open relationship (I strongly suspected he had a crush on one of our female neighbors). I was young and weak, and agreed to the arrangement. He started sleeping with the neighbor. For the first couple of months, I didn’t do any outside activities — but because he was getting laid from the neighbor, our sex life basically dropped to nothing. So, I started putting the feelers out. Within two days, I probably had 15 men interested. I remember scrolling through their messages one day, and my ex came over and asked me what was going on. I was honest with him, and he pretended to be okay with it. A week later, his side-chick dumped him, and all of a sudden, he wanted to be monogamous again. 🙄 Needless to say, the marriage did not last."
2. "My partner and I briefly flirted with an open relationship as a way of dealing with going long-distance when we had intended from the start to break up at that point. We both found ourselves attracted to other people, and agreed we could act on it and see what happened. I didn't get anywhere with the person I was attracted to (it was a mutual attraction, but she was smart and not prepared to play second fiddle). When we got the chance to get a weekend together for the first time in about four months, any idea of keeping it open went straight out the window. The next four years were tough as hell, but we were both up for it with no doubts at all."
"A year later, I had my own guilty moment with a different girl — a friend who I went drinking with without realizing she was attracted to me. I went as far as second base with her, but the moment she put her hand on me, it was like a sudden cold shower. I made my apologies and ran away. I called my partner straight away, confessed what happened, and was forgiven in the same call."
3. "From what I have seen, it is usually the man who wants to open the relationship, and has visions of getting lots of pussy on the side while maintaining his primary relationship. A few months in, when he realizes all that pussy is not coming to him, but his wife is drowned in dick? All of a sudden, they don’t think it’s a good idea anymore. 😂"
4. "In my experience as a spectator of friends opening their relationships, it's inevitably done due to an attempt to have their cake and eat it, too. Admittedly, most of the times I've seen it play out like: Guy A flirts a ton with Girl B. Guy A opens relationship with Girl A. Girl B is just in it for the flirting, not for actually wanting to be a sidepiece. Girl A gets dragged into it, eventually puts a feeler out, and has Guys B-Z available instantaneously. Guy A finds that Tinder is very hard, and that the positive attention they were getting from women whilst in their relationship had a lot to do with them being monogamously entangled and therefore safe. Then, Guy A inevitably throws a tantrum to try and close the relationship again."
5. "I implemented full trust, no hang ups, and guardrails with my main partner — it was a very tight relationship with great chemistry. Everything seemed totally happy and cool. Then, I found out she was sleeping with dudes BEFORE asking for permission. There was literally no reason for that except it must've felt better to cheat and break the rules??? It happened completely out of nowhere — totally not the personality type. Made no sense to me."
6. "I was in an open relationship at 18 as the third to a couple (21F and 22M) who were together for seven years. They'd take every opportunity to bring up how much longer they had been together than with me, which I acknowledged every time (that should've been my first red flag, beyond shit-talking exes). I wasn't fooling myself into thinking they would treat me exactly as they treated each other immediately. When we officially got together, we all expressed the arrangement — it was clear that it was non-hierarchical, and we all had our own forms of relationships with one another. And however they progressed, everyone should communicate how they felt if it was going well or if issues came up..."
7. "I was in one with my ex-husband. He thought it was a great idea until I finally banged my first partner. All of a sudden, it was a bad idea, and he tried to accuse me of 'cheating.' I don’t think he ever thought about the fact that an open marriage meant I’d be getting laid, too."
8. "I tried being in an open relationship. It hurt a lot, and we eventually went exclusive again, only to break up for other reasons. I feel like it’s a sign of a failing relationship if one or both partners want to explore other options. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it, too, and I believe that deep down, people in open relationships aren’t happy with their current ones. Also, it could end up hurting those who choose to get involved with someone who is in an open relationship. That also happened with me — the woman I was seeing on the side got extremely attached, and it didn’t end well after I went exclusive with my then-girlfriend."
9. "My ex essentially wanted an extra relationship, and got jealous when several old friends started hopping on planes for me. It feels weird because it was (in part) quite fun, but at the same time, it's sad to see now how the whole thing degraded the relationship. I honestly just wanna have a good relationship."
10. "I did it for years — philosophically, I'm still totally into it. The expectation that one person can be your everything is stressful and unrealistic, and breeds resentment. That being said, I don't have time to juggle relationships anymore, and I definitely can't picture doing that with kids. An open relationship requires so much emotional awareness and emotional energy that I just don't have anymore. Some people have it, but most people (even those in open relationships) do not."
11. "My friend is terrified of being single. She hasn’t been single for over 10 years. She uses polyamory as a means to get her next boyfriend lined up before she starts breaking up with the current one. I know not all people approach polyamory this way, but seeing her destructive pattern has definitely dampened my viewpoint of it."
12. "My ex-wife and I opened our marriage, but honestly, it was just the start of our separation. Two months later, we officially separated, and then started the divorce (it was 100% amicable). We opened our marriage because we were ready to see other people, but not ready to say we needed a divorce."
13. And: "I dated a woman who wanted an open relationship when we started dating so she could keep her options open. I found this strange, but really liked her — so I went with it. She said if something happened with someone else, we'd keep it to ourselves. I was the one who ended up sleeping with a few different women, and after a few months, she found out (I think I told her I had plans with another woman on a night she wanted to hang out). She was livid, and left me after a few weeks of arguing. Apparently, she thought it was a good idea, but because she never had the desire to sleep with anyone else, it was unacceptable that I did. I never would have dated and slept with other women, but she stated the terms and was devastated when it happened."
Note: Some stories have been edited for length and/or clarity.